Practicing lighting for headshots in my spare/extra room.

If I had to choose one word for this last year out of 200,000+ English words I know exactly which one it would be..

Looking back a year ago, I was in such a negative headspace. I was reflecting my work on engagements from others. Voices constantly telling me who cares, because ultimately looking at the screen it showed what I was thinking and feeling.

Sending photos to friends and still not showing any engagements so the people I expected to cheer for me the most were even getting tired of how saturated my posts were becoming.

I compared myself and focused on others opinions way to much and I needed it to all stop. With social media and home/work life I just wasn’t feeling great about a lot of things and I honestly could really only control one thing. Social media had to go. It took a lot to adjust to this; but once I did it got better for a little while.

One of the funniest things I learned was that the same people that would message you through snapchat all day everyday will act like sending a text once a week is to much for them. I lost a lot of contacts and friends this last year and it’s mainly been because I am sick of being the friend that is constantly trying to see how someone is doing. I think in the last year I have gotten one text asking me how I am doing. Other than that everyone just has more important things going on in their lives; and that is perfectly fine. But my life isn’t excluded from being the same.

I’ve had a couple people make fun of me for taking photos. I am literally just capturing memories and moments for myself and others to share with their families.

It’s not like I am smoking crack in a Dollar General bathroom naked or something.

Also, this is my website and I can say what I want; there are some very pathetic and sad fucks that should really take some time out of their day to reflect on their life and decisions and figure out a way to fix their own issues instead of sitting around talking about someone else who is very happy with their life and everything they have done. It’s not someonelses fault that you are where you are in this point in time, so don’t be a fucking cunt about it and cry like it’s someonelses problem. Especially when they have gone out of their way to try and be your friend and help you out.

Before moving onto some positive things, using this website I have generated $0. I have spent over $500 on this website alone in the last year. Financially this last year has costed my family a lot of money with pennies in return.

I have created and captured moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life, and that has been the greatest outcome of all of this. It has made every cent I have spent worth it. I might not be booked up with appointments every month, it might not be a successful side project; but I wouldn’t trade everything I have gotten for anything.

I have learned a lot though, shooting film, expired film, scanning film, shooting digital and .jpeg; switching from using Lightroom to Lightroom Classic which was a little to learn on its own.

Scanning film has been a really cool thing as well I have loved getting to process and see the colors and contrast of the images. Sometimes it has been really worrying like shooting 21 year old film and having to wait over a month to get everything back and see how it turned out or if it even did.

Recovering film has been something I am very thankful to have the option of doing too. It makes me feel as if I am creating the photo even though it’s photos of before I was born or of me as a baby/toddler. Getting to see photos of my sister when we were kids. It is a feeling I can’t describe, but I am thankful to have those photos.

I miss my friends and I miss my family. I miss seeing and knowing what everyone was doing, what their kids were doing. Now I might see my friends kids once in 6 months, and only when my wife shows me something that was sent to her or posted on Facebook. That has really been the hardest part. I don’t really talk to anyone other than my wife which I am fine with, but I do miss people.

I honestly don’t even know what to put on this part, but that has kind of been a lot of this last year and these blogs. Only some thought out ideas but not much planned in organizing. Oh well, I don’t want to focus on the film section just because I have had so many blogs about film.

I have taken some badass photos in the last year, I am really proud of myself when it comes to a lot of these.

Someone’s memories they will share for the rest of their lives.

I am still amazed a lot of times at the quality and color of a lot of the photos I take. I will hyper fixate on photos and get so upset and stressed out on the look thinking one small thing I did ruined it but I look back and realize how amazing I really did with them. One day I will learn to think highly of myself.

Like this awesome photo of high water and standing on the Port side of the M/V A.W Bayer, so fucking badass.

People can have their opinions, talk about me and make fun of me for how much I am behind a camera when I am at work or how much I push it as a hobby. It hasn’t negatively held me back from anything or affected my learning or progression with work, I have hundreds if not thousands of photos to share and that are constantly being shared throughout the river industry, my family can see what I do to provide for them on a daily basis and I get to share stories based off of photos I have taken.